A month ago, I retweeted a few tweets that promised money in return. It sounds stupid, but I was doing this in the off-chance that one of them was legit. Most of them didn’t seem to be, but there was one that looked like it would check out. It may seem like retweeting things is a rather dumb way to get free money, but when you’re in a situation like I am, any chance to break free of the pit you’re stuck in is one worth taking. What situation is that?
My whole life, I’ve been in poverty. Sure, I had a few square meals each day, a roof over my head, and a caring family, but that didn’t change the fact that we were broke. The only reason we were able to survive for the latter half of my childhood was from Social Security death benefits after my dad killed himself. That was about $1200/mo, which was nice, but it did come at the cost of my dad dying. That money slowly went away as my brother and I both turned 18. First his benefits vanished, and then mine did too a few years later. It wasn’t long after that when I realized I was transgender, and realized my true self. So I moved down to Fremont with some people I met on a forum of trans folk like myself, leaving so I could begin transition.
That went well for six months, but then I was kicked out and forced to move to San Francisco, though I had no place to move to. I was homeless. Add on the fact I have scoliosis and spinal sclerosis (my spine has a curve in each of its three sections), and it’s not quite the ideal situation. The only reason I have housing now is because of a program I’m in. If it weren’t for that, I’d be on the streets. I currently reside in an SRO, or Single Room Occupancy. For those not in the know, it’s basically a medium-sized closet with a sink and a bed. It’s not bad, but it’s rather cramped.
What’s this have to do with the topic I began this with? Well, it was to explain my situation and why I leapt for the chance to get out of here. Not to live in affluence from free money, but enough to be stable enough that I wouldn’t have to worry about much. My back prevents me from getting a job. I can’t move back home because that would mean giving up my transition and quite a few friends. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to live there without having some money to spend on a place. I just wanted to break free from poverty, and leapt at the chance to do so when money was being dangled in my face.
The one seemingly-legit tweet turned out to be anything but. I had hoped it was going to be true, as unlike the others the person in question followed me back so we could Direct Message each other, and asked for my address because it was apparently too much money to send over PayPal. Which made sense, as the tweet promised $100,000 USD. I didn’t think it would be quite that much, but I believed it would all work out. When I did get the money, it was an expired $100,000 bill from Zimbabwe along with a mass-produced ransom-style note. In an attempt to break free of poverty, I instead wound up part of some game on Twitter. A game that, despite all initial appearances, wouldn’t result in what was promised.
I never asked for this. I had hope, and I believed, but as with many things in my life it turns out that my naivete was to be my downfall. Every time I’ve looked forward to something, every time I’ve promised something to someone, something has happened to prevent that from happening. I make plans to hang out with a friend, they’re dragged along by their family on a surprise trip. I make plans to go see a movie, it’s not playing at a time that works with my schedule. I decide to call up my best friends, one of them died. And I just feel like… it hurts. Every time I get my hopes up, I get knocked back down. I get humbled by fate, conditioned to live in poverty no matter how much I don’t want to. And when I get my hopes up and believe that I’ll finally be able to break free? When I make promises to friends that I’ll be able to help them? It’s a game. A fucking game that has no apparent point, no rhyme nor reason. And I wonder why I keep bothering?
Am I supposed to just give up and give in? Am I expected to live with the hand life has dealt me? Am I truly not meant to do anything and just live in mediocrity forever despite how much I know I can do if given the chance? This whole gameoflies experience has done nothing but show how little I should trust people. And I don’t want to feel that way, even if it means remaining naive and believing the unbelievable. But the only reason I do that is because it makes the hell I live in a little more bearable. And when I see a chance to escape into something better, I leap at it, no matter how unreasonable it is. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, aside from needing to get this off my chest. I want something better, and I’m working towards it little by little with commissions. I just don’t like being lied to, being promised one thing and given another. Is that so unreasonable in the end?